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What Ifs….?

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Since my last post, I’ve been pouring over business ideas and the logistics around getting started. By last Thursday, I was wracked with anxiety and fear. Am I just a crazy person, what if this doesn’t work, what if Grumpa or I have an accident and can’t pay our bills, what if, what if, what if?

Then I had a conversation with my Baby Girl. (BTW–Baby Girl is a 24 year-old grown woman with a husband and career.) After listening to all my what ifs, this wise little old soul says to me, “Mom…”

  • “What if you were 19 years old and pregnant by a boy you barely knew?”
  • “What if that boy moved you and your kids four hours away from your family and friends?”
  • “What if you set aside your own dreams for the last 20+ years to make sure your kids had theirs?”

“Mom, you were pretty successful with all these what ifs, I think you’ll be successful with anything!”

My Funny Girl has been checking in with me every day filling me with ideas and inspiration. And, my Vegans are ready to listen and offer practical advise.

I also went back and re-read all your encouraging comments on Facebook. I am simply overwhelmed by everyone’s prayers, love, support, and confidence in me.

I can’t even express how much this all means to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

All these shots of encouragement have renewed my confidence and I’ve become a woman possessed. I put on my walkin’ shoes and started pounding the pavement visiting area small businesses and picking the brains of some local entrepreneurs.

Now, I’m actually mapping out a real business plan and scheduling meetings to see if we can really make this thing happen. Once again, I’m doing things I never thought I’d do.

With all my heart I want to follow God’s plan for my life while living in my “Element.” Does this mean I’m trying to have my cake and eat it too?  Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know where any of this will lead, but I can’t seem to stop taking steps toward the possibilities.

The next couple of weeks will be research filled, as well as helping Baby Girl and her Hubby move to start their next adventure (that’s a story for next time).

Thank you all again for listening and encouraging me on this journey. I promise every post won’t be about business, but I will continue to keep you posted.

On a side note:

If you are currently on the roller coaster of parenting and wondering if you’ll ever be able to get off its drops, twists, and turns, I promise you will. Your feet will hit solid ground when your kids return the love, advice, and encouragement you’ve given them. I can finally say that I’m off the parenting roller coaster and am blessed to have my personal cheerleaders to coax me in to the next one.

Have a blessed week!

Planning My New Adventure

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I had a meeting at Job Service last week. I wasn’t sure what to expect, only that I was going to talk to an employment counselor about my resume and get some advise about searching for jobs.

Of course I always talk too much and the conversation came around to my dream of having my own business. The counselor asked, “What do you want your business to be?” as if this dream could actually be a reality and not just a far-fetched fantasy.

To digress just a bit, I have been wanting to have my own business for a long time, but haven’t really let the idea fully bear fruit. In the last couple of years; however, I’ve actually been articulating the dream out loud–and to more than just Grumpa and my family. In most cases, it’s been met with incredulity, “What would you want to do that for?” or “You know, that’s gonna be a lot of work!” or “You know, most small businesses fail.”

On rare occasions, I’ve had responses like the one from the job counselor. Someone who legitimately acts like this isn’t a hair-brained notion, but a real, viable option.

At these times, a new bud forms and the dream grows. “Really?” I think. “Could I actually do this? What would it take?”

It’s time to feed the dream and see how it will grow. So I’ve started with my trusty notebook and a cup of coffee. My next steps are to:

  1. Brainstorm ideas (I have a few already that I need to map out.)
  2. Check out the Small Business Development Center at the UW.
  3. Map out my network. Not just on LinkedIn, but everyone I know and who they know.
  4. Get to know other local business owners.
  5. Research and document plans for my most viable options.

I’m not looking to get rich, but need to stay solvent. My goal is to create useful, meaningful, and beautiful things or experiences for others, but I live in a small market. I have to manage expectations with reality, practicality, and restraint.

My dream business may have to start as a side gig–the important thing is to move consistently in the right direction. In the meantime, I’ll continue submit resumes, write, and focus on the things I love.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Jumping Off the Cliff

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I quit my job.

After fifteen years with the same company, I threw caution to the wind (along with my comprehensive health, dental, and vision package, 401-k match, eight+ paid holidays, and five weeks of paid vacation) and took the plunge into a world of insecurity and uncertainty.

What the heck was I thinking?

Over the last fifteen years, I’ve worked in various roles and positions–some I’ve chosen and some have been chosen for me. To toot my own horn, “this girl’s got some serious transferable skills.” Throughout this incredible journey, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

  • I can do more than I ever thought I could do.
  • Just because I can do something well, doesn’t mean I like it or it’s fulfilling.
  • I’d rather have respect and autonomy, than status and money.

I went to work as a means to an end, all the while dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grew up. My job helped help raise and support our kids, but it was always about what the company provided me and my family, not what I brought to the work. So despite all the perks, learning from and working with amazingly intelligent people, and having wonderful colleagues, I was perpetually stressed and unhappy.

Talk about a first world problem. I feel like I’ve literally just spit in the face of a tremendous blessing, yet at the same time I have an overwhelming sense that God is telling me it’s time to let go and let Him.

Here’s the thing, for years I’ve tried to direct God’s plan for my life. It’s been all about what I want, not necessarily what He wants. I truly believe this is why I’ve never been  happy despite an abundance of blessings. Throughout this 15-year journey, God has shown me what I’m good at, what brings me joy, and what I want to do now that I’ve actually grown up.

I want…

  • To create useful, meaningful things for others to use and enjoy.
  • To bring beauty and hope to peoples’ lives so they can be their best selves.
  • To build and foster relationships.
  • To continue learning, growing, and sharing life with others.

Do these things come with a good salary, paid vacations, and a great insurance package? Probably not, I may have to get a job for those things. Do I need a degree to do any of these? Maybe, but not really.

In all seriousness though, I won’t be looking for a company to provide for me going forward, but will look for a place where I’m confident in what I am bringing to the work.

I’m still scared because the cliff is already behind me, but I know I’m in the best hands possible. God is good. He (not me) is the one who will set my feet firmly back on the ground.

God bless!

The Continual Juggling Act

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In her book Present over Perfect, Shawna Niequist states “For every yes, there is a no.”

Finding balance in making choices is one of the major themes of this blog, and once again I’m slapped in the face with the relevance of this topic and the truth in Shawna’s words.

It’s late Saturday morning of Memorial weekend and I am sitting in our home office. I am supposed to be doing homework. My current course is Principles of Finance. This is a subject I have avoided for much of my life and now I find it surprisingly intriguing. Amazingly, I actually get it too! But, learning about it is time consuming and completing assignments takes much longer than I want it to.

And, here’s the rub:

  • The sun is taunting me with its sly winks through the window and chastising me for neglecting our weed infested flower beds.
  • My nest is a mess with dirty dishes rebelliously growing crusty coats in the kitchen, clean laundry shriveling into wrinkled heaps from waiting a whole week to be folded, and packages and boxes loitering in my dining room from recent shopping exploits.
  • My sciatica is scolding me for spending too much time at my desk.
  • Stories and ideas are bursting with restlessness inside my brain from being repressed by too many other responsibilities.
  • I have dedicated time with my family this weekend that I want to enjoy and not fret about.

This all reminds me of the Rock, Pebbles, and Sand Story. (If you’re not familiar with this, you definitely need to be). While I understand what my rocks are, the pebbles and sand  never feel so black and white in real life. Understanding how to balance your time between all of three of them involves a daily evaluation between immediate and long-term:

  • Needs and wants
  • Responsibilities and commitments
  • Shoulds and coulds

As I look at my day today, time with my family and easing my sciatica are rocks. They clearly most affect my physical and emotional well-being.

Writing, school, and home are definitely pebbles, but they blur the lines between needs and wants, responsibilities and commitments, shoulds and coulds. They have powerful affects on my emotional well being by making me feel unburdened, confident and content.

You may be asking, “why isn’t Grumpa helping you with these responsibilities?”

I can’t say enough how much Grumpa picks up the slack for me, but in addition to those we share, he has his own rocks, pebbles, and sand which I am only now (after almost 30 years) learning to be respectful of.

It’s true for every yes there is a no, but it’s important to realize that as simple as we want our lives to be, it’s always going to be a continual juggling act. We just need to accept it and move on by taking Anne Shirley’s words to heart–“Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it.”– a new opportunity to learn from the day before and try the juggling act all over again.

 

An Ode to Butternut Squash Ravioli

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Grumpa is a notoriously picky eater. No cheese (unless it’s on pizza), no casseroles (you never know what’s in it), no “weird” veggies like asparagus, and definitely no squash!

So when he’s gone, I get to eat whatever I want–like butternut squash ravioli!

There is something deliciously decadent about this butternut squash ravioli dish. It’s gotta be healthy though, right? It’s bursting with nutrient-dense butternut squash and omega-3 rich walnuts. The butter and brown sugar makes the recipe below seems a little “bad-girl,” but only if you’re Grumpa and have a McDonald’s sausage mcmuffin and Coke every day for breakfast. Besides, I could have added twice the butter. Instead I made it “healthier” by making up the difference in extra virgin olive oil.

Try this super easy recipe with a salad and glass of Chardonnay. I promise you’ll feel amazingly accomplished and special.

If  you’re super ambitious you could make your own homemade ravioli. I don’t have time for that nonsense now that I’m a college student and all.

Jen’s BSR with Sugared Walnuts

Ingredients:

  • 1 Package Rana butternut squash ravioli or your favorite brand.
  • 2 Tablespoons butter
  • 2 Tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
  • 1/4 Cup brown sugar
  • 1/3 Cup walnuts (chopped or whole your preference)
  • Healthy pinch of dried Thyme
  • Freshly ground course sea salt
  • Small handful of dried cranberries (If you have them. When the kids moved out they took mine, so I had to do without.)

Instructions:

  1. Make your ravioli, drain, and set aside.
  2. In your dried ravioli pan, melt your butter and olive oil. Let it get a little brown.
  3. Stir in your brown sugar and let it begin to melt.
  4. Add the walnuts and stir to coat with the butter/evoo/brown sugar mixture.
  5. Gently toss in your cooked ravioli
  6. Sprinkle with Thyme, sea salt, and dried cranberries.
  7. Eat and enjoy!

My Daughter, The Comedian

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No I’m not being facetious or sarcastic. My daughter is a comedian.

Of my three children, my number two has never exhibited the classic traits of middle child syndrome.

Ridiculously confident, outgoing, and gregarious from birth, Olivia’s quick wit, and knack for remembering lines from every movie she’s ever watched, led her directly into theater. When cast as the Little Gingerbread Boy in her Kindergarten Graduation skit, Olivia promptly exclaimed to her teacher, “That means I’m the star right?”

She’s always had a flare for the dramatic, but really preferred to make people laugh.

Olivia is a trained actress. Since graduating from college though, she spends her days as an administrative assistant and her evenings learning the ropes and making her way in Milwaukee’s improv community.

Working full time, attending improv classes, and performing most weekends, we don’t get to see enough of Liv or her performances. Milwaukee is three hours away after all. It might as well be three days.

For the first time in many months; however, Grumpa and I were finally able to take in a show.

Olivia is the first to admit she’s still learning. After any show I’ve seen, she’ll preface her usual request for feedback with, “I know you’re not an improv fan, but what did you think?”

I don’t know how she does it, but she always seems to have her eye on me.

True confessions:

  • She’s right, I don’t like improv. I don’t understand it’s nuances and it’s special brand of randomness.
  • For this reason, I’m rarely (if ever) as demonstrative as others watching the show.
  • I really don’t care that much about the rest of the show. I just want to see Olivia.

So when presented with this question, how can I respond and not come across as a totally obnoxious, biased stage mom?

Ultimately this is what I think….

Expressive, quick, and responsive, Olivia never ceases to amaze me. I wait anxiously at the edge of my seat for my girl to tap in and am immediately lost in delightful revelry because she’s funny, she’s really funny!

If you’re in the Milwaukee area, take in a show at ComedySportz or grab a beer at Urban Harvest when they host Mojo Dojo. You’re bound to see my daughter, the comedian, lighting up the stage.

 

 

 

 

Back To The Books

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I finally did it. I’ve officially signed up for classes. I’m going to get my degree!

It’s about time. It’s only been my biggest regret for the last 28 years. Over all that time, I simply found one excuse after another not to pursue it.

Excuse #1: I wasn’t ready.

I wasn’t ready to go to college when I graduated high school. I was spoiled, lazy, and immature. There was no way I’d have made the most of the investment. I decided I would take a year off…instead I got pregnant and married. (Yeah, in that order. No, I wasn’t very bright back then.)

Excuse #2: My kids became my priority.

Getting pregnant was a wake-up call. I wanted my child to be everything I wasn’t. Slightly misguided, but with a persistence I never had before. I committed everything I had to raising a family. However, even with a supportive husband, I could barely juggle a full-time job and give my kids the time and attention they deserved. As counter-intuitive as it may sound, going to school would take away from the life I had created for my family. It would just have to wait until my kids were were self-sufficient.

Excuse #3: Was it financially responsible?

Again, it sounds counter-intuitive, but I had a good job and a good living. Could I really justify the financial investment when there’s no guarantee that my prospects would be any better after I graduate?

Excuse #4: I’m getting too old.

It’s almost 30 years since I graduated from high school. I don’t care that 70 year-olds have done it. It’s still damn intimidating to be the lone middle-aged matron in a sea of bright shining faces, all in their places.

And, what are the prospects for middle-aged women newly graduated from college?

Excuse #5: I’ve got a demanding job.

Over the last three years, I’ve had substantial opportunities to grow and evolve into a leadership role within my current department. These responsibilities haven’t left much time for anything outside of work. However….

All these excuses really just masked a fear of failure. I’ve been reminded though, I’m not the same person I was 30 years ago.

  • I’ve worked hard to create the life I live and it’s taken perseverance, self-sacrifice, and maturity.
  • My kids are now amazing, self-sufficient, responsible adults.
  • I have an amazing boss that’s encouraged me to grow professionally and has lightened my load to pursue this goal.
  • And, I’m not getting any younger. I still have dreams and time to rectify some regrets too.

So now I’m out of excuses.

I’m still afraid. As I tackle my first couple of courses, I’m especially afraid of the commitment I made. How am I going to get it all done?

I guess, by ignoring my excuses and practicing perseverance, self-sacrifice, and maturity. Heck! I’ve got some experience with that.

 

 

Girls About Town

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Each week I spend a few days working in Madison. While there, I room with my BFF Denise in a little condo downtown. Two small-town girls living the hip, career girl, city life–something neither of us experienced before, being young wives and mothers.

Now before you envision a Sex and the City Carrie Bradshaw type of experience, we are both a little bit older and wiser than the young worldly women on the show. Life at the “Girls’ Pad” (a.k.a the GP) is a bit more subdued and conservative; however, it’s still pretty awesome.

First of all, it’s all girls. Just Denise and I and her two kitties (both girls of course). No guys to leave the toilet seat up, share the remote control with, or to give “advice.”

We can watch chick flicks, discuss romance novels, and gossip about work without reprimand. We don’t have to look pretty or shave our legs. And we can have wine, cheese, and olives for dinner whenever we want!

Second, it’s downtown. We can literally walk to the capital square, the Overture Center, down State St., and any number of restaurants depending on our taste and mood.

Ranked by National Geographic Travel as one of the best small cities in the US, Madison is a little bit urban and a little bit small town.

The neighborhood around the GP bustles with the vitality of youth and college life yet is still rife with cultural influences due to its proximity to the capital square and Overture Center. Even if you’re not a sports fan, it’s impossible to not get caught up in the thrill of a Badger game whether the throngs of fans are making their way to Camp Randall or the Kohl Center.

Jump in the car and within 30 minutes you can get from one side of the city to the other for shopping or a great meal. Then of course, there are lakes Mendota and Monona, the UW Arboretum, Olbrich Gardends, bike trails, walking trails…SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE TIME….!

I’m especially anxious to explore the square and visit Fromagination, a lovely artisan cheese shop I’ve yet had the opportunity to visit. I’m dying to go in and check out what cheeses they may have to enhance a rapturously girly dinner. Or revisit Cento, an elegant Italian Restorante with friendly staff, yummy food, and delicious wine.

A couple of days a week isn’t nearly enough to do all the things we want to do. I guess we just have to tackle one adventure at a time. These girls about town aren’t about to waste a moment.

 

 

 

The Bittersweet Inevitable

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My kids moved out. I came home from being gone for a week and Jake, Alex, Nolan, and Linc moved across town.

They had gone to look at a great place before I left; of course they wanted to take it. Only I anticipated they would take a little time moving out. You know, gradually pack up, move things at a leisurely pace, have a last night of snuggles and bed time stories….

Ah, nope! Gone less than a week later.

Oh, what a fickle fool I am. I was just lamenting my Not So Empty Nest, and here it’s empty again. Before I had planned.

I guess it just caught me off guard. I was getting quite comfortable serving my little master. Nolan required an 8 o’clock bedtime. Even though my evenings were cut short, I was rewarded with bed time stories and snuggles. Going to bed early didn’t make it any easier for me to get up though and I was never excused from breakfast. Chocolate, peanut butter, banana smoothies were on the menu each weekday morning and pancakes on Saturday. Only then could I start my day with smiles, hugs, and grateful kisses.

Alas, it’s all over now.

I’m being over dramatic of course. I understand Jake and Alex’s desire to get on their own again and I’m happy and proud of them for going for it.

Years ago, when Grumpa and I first moved to central Wisconsin, we lived with my parents for four r-e-a-l-l-y long months. Before moving in, I idealized how easy it would be. My parents were great and I thought it would be wonderful to have the camaraderie of my mom on a daily basis. But while I was at home with them, it was no longer my home. I had been the queen of my own castle, and I was living in another’s realm.

Jake and Alex were conscientious roommates, but I get the feeling they felt a lot like I did years ago. There is nothing like having your own home; your sanctuary, your space…where you can do, be, and keep things in any way you see fit. It’s one of the few real perks of being a grown-up.

Anyway, it is only across town. Jake is still finishing school and Alex is doing exceptionally well at work, so I’m hopeful they’ll be around for a little bit yet. I can also stay up late again and sleep in too. Nolan and I have been using face time to read together before he goes to bed at 8. I don’t get to snuggle, but we chat and catch up just like when he was here.

It is bittersweet, but also a little like having my cake and eating it too. Speaking of eating, you should try Nolan’s special smoothie–super easy, not bitter, only sweet!

Nolan’s Chocolate, Peanut Butter, Banana Smoothie

  • 1 frozen banana
  • 1 heaping tablespoon peanut butter
  • 1 cup chocolate almond milk

Put all in blender and blend until smooth. Yummmmy!

Through a Child’s Eyes

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This past weekend, I asked Nolan if he’d like to come with me to Madison for a few days. We would be staying a few blocks from the Children’s Museum and he and I could hang out and do whatever we wanted. Grumpa could even come to.

His response to me was an immediate “Yes! This is going to be the best weekend EVER!”

Mind you, the weekend after Christmas, our whole family went to the Kalahari. A fabulous indoor water park in Wisconsin Dells. There he bravely tackled every water slide he was big enough to go on, spent hours in the wave pool and lazy river, and got to stay up late every night. That too was “the best weekend EVER!”

Now rewind to the week before Thanksgiving. Nolan accompanied his Grumpa to visit some family friends in Indiana. At that time, he met two new friends with more Legos than he could have ever imagined, and got to play video games to his heart’s content. Again, “the best weekend EVER!”

While in Madison, his enthusiasm was overwhelming. He tirelessly explored the Children’s Museum and experienced ice skating for the very first time. We hung out with his Aunt Julia and Uncle Danny, and once again he got to stay up late every night.

When it was time to go home, he cried as if his world was coming to an end. To him it was. Because at five, there’s no room for thoughts of what comes next. That moment is all there is.

None of these weekends were particularly extravagant, but Nolan saw them as epic adventures.

Oh to be five again. It’s my favorite age. Every little experience is a moment to be savored. Why are we always so desperate to grow up?

When you grow up, you forget your sense of wonder. You start comparing yourself to others, and inevitably, someone is always doing something more exciting or has something cooler. So instead of living in the moment, you’re waiting for the next hoping it will be better.

This weekend, I tried to see the world through Nolan’s eyes.

At the Children’s Museum, he approached every display and activity with  amazement. Each child he encountered was a potential new friend despite their skin color, if they were boy or girl, or what they were wearing.

After Uncle Danny helped him conquer an initial fear of the ice, his joy while skating was palpable. The frosty air had no affect on him despite his wind-kissed cheeks. His sparkling eyes, broad grin, and bubbling belly laughs kept me warm too. To my surprise, I wasn’t longing to get out of the cold. I was actually living in the moment and not wishing for the next!

What would it be like to live every day that way? To put away the insecurities, prejudices, and busyness? To approached each moment as we did when we were five?

I don’t know, but I want to give it a try.