life

Lemonade in the Winter

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Another 6-10” of snow is currently weaving yet one more intricate blanket over central Wisconsin. Its pristine beauty is turning our world into a winter wonderland but it’s heaviness is suffocating. I read an article recently about embracing the winter months as a time to create a comfortable cocoon and hibernate, but we’re not bugs and bears for Pete’s sake. We’re people!

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Poor Mike is snow blowing for the second time this morning.

I feel stuck without anything really new to say. I’m quite frankly sick of myself and sick of social media…trying to paint the best picture, be positive, make myself look better than I really am, trying to get people to like me. Blah, blah, blah!

Honestly life still feels full of a crap-ton of lemons:

  • Work hasn’t picked up. No matter how many pep talks I give or receive, I doubt my decision to return to hair.
  • The second job I hoped for, was meant for someone else.
  • We still don’t have health insurance. (The affordable care act isn’t really affordable unless you don’t want to afford anything else.) Consequently, I worry about every ache, pain, and sniffle Mike gets.
  • I’m bored, lonely, and adrift.

Wait! … Here’s some Late Breaking News!

Literally, in the midst of this rant, my always encouraging, positive friend Barb has messaged me out of the blue asking when my next post was coming. Thank you, thank you Barb! Your message is just the refreshment I need in this exact moment. Thank you God for the gentle cuff across the head.

Here’s the reality. Despite focusing on the lemons (and the avalanche of snow-fall), I been drinking some pretty sweet lemonade. In the last several weeks:

  • I’ve seen new places
    • I recently visited two restaurants I’ve always wanted to try. Both have been in business for over 40 years. One was a hit and one was a miss, but I was so excited and glad to have experienced both.
  • I’ve made new friends
    • I spent five days in Arizona with my BFF and her parents. I didn’t know her parents well before this trip and now feel like I have two new friends.
    • Through the salon, I’ve connected with some of Mike’s friends and co-workers. I’m not just thankful for their business, but the opportunity to better get to know the wonderful people Mike works and hangs out with.
  • I’ve developed new hobbies
    • My at-home yoga practice is flourishing. I’ve completed Yoga with Adriene’s 30 day challenge, am working through her February calendar, and have been trying new vinyasas from the Yoga Journal.
    • I joined a corn-hole / bag toss league with Mike. It’s given us the opportunity to spend time together, a reason to get out of the house, and encourages this introvert to socialize with Mike and his friends.
  • I’ve completed some stuff 
    • Two books
    • A baby quilt top
    • A set of cloth napkins
  • I’ve started a new tradition
    • I’ve just sent out a stack of Valentines (the old-fashioned way) to my whole family. Going forward instead of bludgeoning everyone with a little more joy at Christmas, I’ll spread the love while the winter blues are at their peak.

So I’m canceling the pity party and apologize for wallowing. It’s crazy how easy it is to forget all the good when faced with a little bad. I have a warm house, plenty of food, a loving family, good friends, and a God who loves and has always cared for me.

If you’re drowning in lemons, I pray that there is peace and comfort waiting for you right around the corner. Remember God is good, he is faithful, and you are loved.

If life is currently treating you well, please share the goodness. We all need the reminder that snow melts, spring comes, and lemons can always be made into lemonade.

Happy Valentines Day!

 

Out With the Old, In With the New!

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I can’t believe it’s been a whole year already since I posted “Uncovering My Why!” Mom was right. The older you get, the faster time goes.

Oh my! So much has happened since that post and I’m currently in deep on this journey of diligently reshaping my life around this worthy goal.

I confess, reigning in my worry hasn’t gotten any better since my last post. Being a sole proprietor and renting a salon chair aren’t rocket science. But Man! Do patience and perseverance ever get any easier? My mean Old Adam  has been relentlessly whispering in my ear:

  • “You should be working harder to bring in new clients.”
  • “You were so not ready to set up shop on your own.”
  • “If you’d never have left hair in the first place, you’d have tons of clients, real experience, and a paycheck.”
  • “You’re never going to make any money at this.”
  • “If anything happens to Mike, you’re screwed!”

I know these things aren’t true, but the sly fox continually fills me with shame, guilt, and insecurity making my joy fleeting and contentment down right elusive.

Thank you God for my dear husband Mike. Mike officially stepped into his second half-century on New Year’s day and wisely reminded me that we officially have more days behind us than we do in front. “Do you really want to spend them worrying?” He asked. “Just make the most of what you have right now.”

Mike’s old hat at being self-employed. We’ve ridden his work’s waves of feast and famine for most of our married life. But here’s the thing, even when Mike’s not “working,” he’s busy. He always has remodeling projects, home improvements, golf, or any number of activities he’s tackled over the years. He spends his down time learning new things, honing new skills, and always striving to do these things to the best of his abilities.

My goal for 2019 is to follow his lead.

I’ve always wanted to:

  1. Become a daily at-home yoga practitioner so I can stay healthy and strong for as many days as God still has left for me.
  2. Sew more. I love fabric and creating beautiful and useful things. It doesn’t matter if I don’t need them, there are always others who do.

I also want to:

  • Go visiting more. I am blessed to be within driving distance to my whole family. I simply have to get in the car and go.
  • Stop at that little place, drive down that one road, or check out that one spot, I never have before.

I know the only one who can grow my business is me, but Old Adam’s lies aren’t productive or helpful.  Instead out with the old lies and in with the new growth. It’s time to get busy growing in new ways, making the most of open opportunities, and being open to new possibilities.

What will you do with 2019? Whatever it is, I pray it’s a blessed adventure.

Happy New Year!

 

It’s Official! Now What?

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Since my last post, I’ve been diligently getting back in the swing of hair design and pursuing all the details of setting up my own establishment: finding the right location, discussing leasing terms, applying for an establishment license and EIN, setting up my own bank account, and making inventory decisions.

Now it’s official…

…I’m legally the sole proprietor of my own licensed establishment (a.k.a. a salon chair). It may sound a little anticlimactic after creating a whole business plan around a cafe, but I have been a licensed cosmetologist for 17-years after all, I enjoy helping people, and I love making them feel good; so it just made sense. This path then should be much less intimidating right?

Not really.

Sure I know how to do hair, I’ve had a few business classes, and I’ve got experience managing schedules, budgets, and contracts, but these things don’t put butts in my chair and that’s where the rubber actually hits the road.

This road feels a little dicey.

I’m now open for business, but people aren’t beating down my door. Just like any business, I need paying guests so I can pay my rent and expenses and stay in business. So, how long will it take? Am I doing all the right things? What else do I need to do? Do I even have what it takes to actually make this work?

I need to reign in my worry.

Yes, the real work is just beginning, but I’ve gotten this far haven’t I? The hardest thing about facing new challenges is remembering all you’ve already accomplished and are capable of. If I focus on all I’ve done this year, maybe these next hurdles won’t seem as daunting. I can simply face them one at a time and simply enjoy the journey.

As this Thanksgiving comes to a close, I am truly thankful for where I am today. God is always faithful and has given me a supportive husband and family who are willing to support me in all my new adventures. I’m also thankful for a year of tough lessons which have equipped me to face the challenges ahead.

What are you thankful for?

Don’t forget all the things you’ve overcome–whether big or small–and remember, you can do more than you ever thought or imagined.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Feeling Full

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I confess that I haven’t felt much like writing lately. I wouldn’t call it writer’s block, but more like a lack of patience for sitting at the computer. Writing also means organizing my thoughts into something that makes sense and honestly that’s been way too much work for me lately.

I’m also bone tired. The fact that I’m at least 10 years older than the next oldest person at the salon doesn’t mean I’m exempt from nine-hour days that kick my butt or taking my turn working weekends. The thirty-odd hours I’m working each week feel a lot more like the 50+ I was putting in at my previous job.

You know what though? For the first time in my life I have this feeling that just might be contentment. At first, I thought it may be complacency, but I don’t feel apathetic or negative. I’m exhausted, but not weary. And, even though I don’t always get to all the things I want to each day, I feel satisfied with the things I have accomplished. What is this magic?

Here’s the thing….

  • I LOVE being back in the salon. I love the precision of a great haircut, the creativity of a beautifully applied color, and even a perfectly wrapped perm. I love the nose tickling mix of chemicals and fragrances, the unique characters that sit in my chair, and the happy chatter of a busy salon.
  • I’ve been sewing–giving myself over to the lures of dazzling displays of fabric in whimsical patterns and textures, the rhythmic hum of the sewing machine, and making things that are beautiful and useful out of my two hands.
  • I’ve been doing yoga consistently. Breathing and stretching life back in to my stiff middle-aged limbs and achy joints. Day-by-day I can feel my strength building and flexibility returning despite the inevitable age-related changes to my body.
  • I’ve been able to volunteer at church using my gifts and abilities to feel purposeful and helpful not simply fill a hole.
  • Finally, even with all this new busyness, I still have the energy and capacity to give myself to the people I love without guilt or grudge – WOW!

Don’t get me wrong, life is still far from perfect. It never will be and that’s OK. But life should be more than just enjoying the current harvest of good things. True contentment is “feeling full” because there is a realistic understanding of what you want versus what you need that informs what you could do versus what you should. It’s also dang fulfilling when you can actually combine what you like to do with what you’re actually good at–maximizing the gifts and abilities you’ve been given.

I pray that we all find the things that fill us up and the time and courage to pursue them.

God bless!

Featured Image: Carl Larsson – Das Haus in der Sonne ( The House In The Sun) / The Apple Harvest, 1903 Postcard, Vintage Art, Vintage, art, Vintage Print

Getting to Know Dad

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I’m the youngest (the accident, the oops! the tag-a-long) of seven kids. I have been told that when the pregnancy was announced, my Dad was not only less than thrilled, but actually angry, that Mom had gotten herself pregnant again. 

Stories like this may have been made in jest, but they formed the perceptions I had of my father growing up. I don’t remember him laughing only yelling, never encouraging only berating. I hated him, but I didn’t really know him.

Time and experience have definitely taught me a few things about people and perceptions.

My Dad was definitely high-strung and volatile, but he had seven–SEVEN–spoiled, rowdy kids to keep alive–yes alive. As a parent, I now know that anxiety and worry can manifest themselves in anger and frustration. I can only imagine how he agonized over the care and keeping of us all. Dad’s generation wasn’t known for being in touch with their sensitive sides, thus his anxiety became anger and his worry became frustration. I’m sure it didn’t help that I obviously didn’t appreciated him, never thanked him for anything he did, or even said I loved him.

He also had a strong-willed, demanding wife. My mom was loving and generous to a fault with her kids, her siblings, and others, but she was extremely critical of my Dad and often demeaned him in front of others and undermined his authority with us kids. As a wife, I can only imagine what that would do to my self-esteem and confidence over time.

Despite all this, he remained faithful to God and to his wife. He gave all he had to his children, and worked hard. He only craved a little peace and quiet which he never got. Many people would lament a life like his, but he sees it as a “good” life despite the imperfections.

This week marks Dad’s 88th birthday. He suffers from mild dementia–struggling with the present–but reminiscing vividly on the past. I love to hear stories from his youth and our time in the Big House. (No, not prison, but the huge house we lived in for many years that Dad affectionately calls the Big House.)

He’s a man of simple pleasures; his recliner, coffee and a healthy supply of Snickers, visits with his kids, and a good corny joke…

“Did you hear Willy Nelson died?”….”Yeah, he was playin on the road again!”

Or

“Did you hear? They outlawed round hay bales?” …. “Cows just can’t get a square meal out of them!”

Since we lost Mom in 2014, Dad finally has his peace and quiet. It’s allowed me to really get to know him too. He’s a truly good man full of faith, humor, and resilience. He loved deeply, he worried frantically, and he cherished us all. I praise God for giving me this time with him.

I love you Dad!

 

 

 

Last But Never Least

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My days since leaving work have been packed. How did I get everything done while working eight or more hours a day? I just didn’t, that’s how.

“So Jen, what have you been filling your time with?”  you ask.

Well, in addition to lots of business research, I’ve been working on several long neglected projects around the nest. Mostly though, giving my time and attention to those I love the most–specifically helping my daughter Julia and her husband Danny pack up and get ready for their move to the Windy City.

I have written quite a bit about my Vegans (a.k.a my son Jake and his family), and I have written about Olivia (my comedian). Julia has reminded me; however, that I have another child that I have yet to write about and she will not be left out.

Julia is my “baby girl,” And, while she may have been born last, she has never been least.

Even as a tiny girl, Julia was highly self-assured, intelligent, and unabashedly strong in her convictions–always oozing the most pronounced combination of both her parents strongest personality traits.

Like her dad, she has never pretended to like something or someone she doesn’t and is naturally good at just about everything she does. Like me, she has a preference for home, family, a few close friends, and sticking close to the nest–cooking, shopping, or swapping family gossip with me and her aunts– rather than going out or partying.

Since graduating from college, Julia has been diligently creating her own nest in Madison with Danny. This was perfect when I was spending two days a week there. We would see each other almost weekly, could easily grab a quick dinner, or hang out for a few hours after work to catch up.

Now the big city is calling her and Danny another two hours away, and I no longer have reason to work in Madison each week. So last week, we packed up the newlywed’s nest and put it in storage to wait for their new apartment to be ready.

How fun for a young couple to experiencing life in the city? What an exciting new adventure! Yet, I confess it makes my heart ache.

Julia has always been my faithful companion; eagerly tagging along on every shopping whim, sharing all types of culinary experiments, or simply watching chic flicks while painting our toenails.

I now have a little over a week to have her home all to myself.

Well…

I do have to share her with Danny and her Dad.

OK…

and, she has to work too. (I’m finding it really hard not to interrupt her office hours just to check in and see what she’s up to.)

Still, I’m glad to have even a little time with her.

Julia is amazingly responsible and resourceful. I have no doubt about her and Danny’s success on this next adventure.

As for me, I’ll take on the big city just so I can spend time with my baby girl.

 

 

 

What Ifs….?

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Since my last post, I’ve been pouring over business ideas and the logistics around getting started. By last Thursday, I was wracked with anxiety and fear. Am I just a crazy person, what if this doesn’t work, what if Grumpa or I have an accident and can’t pay our bills, what if, what if, what if?

Then I had a conversation with my Baby Girl. (BTW–Baby Girl is a 24 year-old grown woman with a husband and career.) After listening to all my what ifs, this wise little old soul says to me, “Mom…”

  • “What if you were 19 years old and pregnant by a boy you barely knew?”
  • “What if that boy moved you and your kids four hours away from your family and friends?”
  • “What if you set aside your own dreams for the last 20+ years to make sure your kids had theirs?”

“Mom, you were pretty successful with all these what ifs, I think you’ll be successful with anything!”

My Funny Girl has been checking in with me every day filling me with ideas and inspiration. And, my Vegans are ready to listen and offer practical advise.

I also went back and re-read all your encouraging comments on Facebook. I am simply overwhelmed by everyone’s prayers, love, support, and confidence in me.

I can’t even express how much this all means to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

All these shots of encouragement have renewed my confidence and I’ve become a woman possessed. I put on my walkin’ shoes and started pounding the pavement visiting area small businesses and picking the brains of some local entrepreneurs.

Now, I’m actually mapping out a real business plan and scheduling meetings to see if we can really make this thing happen. Once again, I’m doing things I never thought I’d do.

With all my heart I want to follow God’s plan for my life while living in my “Element.” Does this mean I’m trying to have my cake and eat it too?  Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know where any of this will lead, but I can’t seem to stop taking steps toward the possibilities.

The next couple of weeks will be research filled, as well as helping Baby Girl and her Hubby move to start their next adventure (that’s a story for next time).

Thank you all again for listening and encouraging me on this journey. I promise every post won’t be about business, but I will continue to keep you posted.

On a side note:

If you are currently on the roller coaster of parenting and wondering if you’ll ever be able to get off its drops, twists, and turns, I promise you will. Your feet will hit solid ground when your kids return the love, advice, and encouragement you’ve given them. I can finally say that I’m off the parenting roller coaster and am blessed to have my personal cheerleaders to coax me in to the next one.

Have a blessed week!

Planning My New Adventure

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I had a meeting at Job Service last week. I wasn’t sure what to expect, only that I was going to talk to an employment counselor about my resume and get some advise about searching for jobs.

Of course I always talk too much and the conversation came around to my dream of having my own business. The counselor asked, “What do you want your business to be?” as if this dream could actually be a reality and not just a far-fetched fantasy.

To digress just a bit, I have been wanting to have my own business for a long time, but haven’t really let the idea fully bear fruit. In the last couple of years; however, I’ve actually been articulating the dream out loud–and to more than just Grumpa and my family. In most cases, it’s been met with incredulity, “What would you want to do that for?” or “You know, that’s gonna be a lot of work!” or “You know, most small businesses fail.”

On rare occasions, I’ve had responses like the one from the job counselor. Someone who legitimately acts like this isn’t a hair-brained notion, but a real, viable option.

At these times, a new bud forms and the dream grows. “Really?” I think. “Could I actually do this? What would it take?”

It’s time to feed the dream and see how it will grow. So I’ve started with my trusty notebook and a cup of coffee. My next steps are to:

  1. Brainstorm ideas (I have a few already that I need to map out.)
  2. Check out the Small Business Development Center at the UW.
  3. Map out my network. Not just on LinkedIn, but everyone I know and who they know.
  4. Get to know other local business owners.
  5. Research and document plans for my most viable options.

I’m not looking to get rich, but need to stay solvent. My goal is to create useful, meaningful, and beautiful things or experiences for others, but I live in a small market. I have to manage expectations with reality, practicality, and restraint.

My dream business may have to start as a side gig–the important thing is to move consistently in the right direction. In the meantime, I’ll continue submit resumes, write, and focus on the things I love.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Jumping Off the Cliff

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I quit my job.

After fifteen years with the same company, I threw caution to the wind (along with my comprehensive health, dental, and vision package, 401-k match, eight+ paid holidays, and five weeks of paid vacation) and took the plunge into a world of insecurity and uncertainty.

What the heck was I thinking?

Over the last fifteen years, I’ve worked in various roles and positions–some I’ve chosen and some have been chosen for me. To toot my own horn, “this girl’s got some serious transferable skills.” Throughout this incredible journey, I’ve learned a lot about myself.

  • I can do more than I ever thought I could do.
  • Just because I can do something well, doesn’t mean I like it or it’s fulfilling.
  • I’d rather have respect and autonomy, than status and money.

I went to work as a means to an end, all the while dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grew up. My job helped help raise and support our kids, but it was always about what the company provided me and my family, not what I brought to the work. So despite all the perks, learning from and working with amazingly intelligent people, and having wonderful colleagues, I was perpetually stressed and unhappy.

Talk about a first world problem. I feel like I’ve literally just spit in the face of a tremendous blessing, yet at the same time I have an overwhelming sense that God is telling me it’s time to let go and let Him.

Here’s the thing, for years I’ve tried to direct God’s plan for my life. It’s been all about what I want, not necessarily what He wants. I truly believe this is why I’ve never been  happy despite an abundance of blessings. Throughout this 15-year journey, God has shown me what I’m good at, what brings me joy, and what I want to do now that I’ve actually grown up.

I want…

  • To create useful, meaningful things for others to use and enjoy.
  • To bring beauty and hope to peoples’ lives so they can be their best selves.
  • To build and foster relationships.
  • To continue learning, growing, and sharing life with others.

Do these things come with a good salary, paid vacations, and a great insurance package? Probably not, I may have to get a job for those things. Do I need a degree to do any of these? Maybe, but not really.

In all seriousness though, I won’t be looking for a company to provide for me going forward, but will look for a place where I’m confident in what I am bringing to the work.

I’m still scared because the cliff is already behind me, but I know I’m in the best hands possible. God is good. He (not me) is the one who will set my feet firmly back on the ground.

God bless!

The Continual Juggling Act

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In her book Present over Perfect, Shawna Niequist states “For every yes, there is a no.”

Finding balance in making choices is one of the major themes of this blog, and once again I’m slapped in the face with the relevance of this topic and the truth in Shawna’s words.

It’s late Saturday morning of Memorial weekend and I am sitting in our home office. I am supposed to be doing homework. My current course is Principles of Finance. This is a subject I have avoided for much of my life and now I find it surprisingly intriguing. Amazingly, I actually get it too! But, learning about it is time consuming and completing assignments takes much longer than I want it to.

And, here’s the rub:

  • The sun is taunting me with its sly winks through the window and chastising me for neglecting our weed infested flower beds.
  • My nest is a mess with dirty dishes rebelliously growing crusty coats in the kitchen, clean laundry shriveling into wrinkled heaps from waiting a whole week to be folded, and packages and boxes loitering in my dining room from recent shopping exploits.
  • My sciatica is scolding me for spending too much time at my desk.
  • Stories and ideas are bursting with restlessness inside my brain from being repressed by too many other responsibilities.
  • I have dedicated time with my family this weekend that I want to enjoy and not fret about.

This all reminds me of the Rock, Pebbles, and Sand Story. (If you’re not familiar with this, you definitely need to be). While I understand what my rocks are, the pebbles and sand  never feel so black and white in real life. Understanding how to balance your time between all of three of them involves a daily evaluation between immediate and long-term:

  • Needs and wants
  • Responsibilities and commitments
  • Shoulds and coulds

As I look at my day today, time with my family and easing my sciatica are rocks. They clearly most affect my physical and emotional well-being.

Writing, school, and home are definitely pebbles, but they blur the lines between needs and wants, responsibilities and commitments, shoulds and coulds. They have powerful affects on my emotional well being by making me feel unburdened, confident and content.

You may be asking, “why isn’t Grumpa helping you with these responsibilities?”

I can’t say enough how much Grumpa picks up the slack for me, but in addition to those we share, he has his own rocks, pebbles, and sand which I am only now (after almost 30 years) learning to be respectful of.

It’s true for every yes there is a no, but it’s important to realize that as simple as we want our lives to be, it’s always going to be a continual juggling act. We just need to accept it and move on by taking Anne Shirley’s words to heart–“Tomorrow is a new day, with no mistakes in it.”– a new opportunity to learn from the day before and try the juggling act all over again.