parenting

Getting to Know Dad

/ Lip Balm & Lemonade / Leave a comment

I’m the youngest (the accident, the oops! the tag-a-long) of seven kids. I have been told that when the pregnancy was announced, my Dad was not only less than thrilled, but actually angry, that Mom had gotten herself pregnant again. 

Stories like this may have been made in jest, but they formed the perceptions I had of my father growing up. I don’t remember him laughing only yelling, never encouraging only berating. I hated him, but I didn’t really know him.

Time and experience have definitely taught me a few things about people and perceptions.

My Dad was definitely high-strung and volatile, but he had seven–SEVEN–spoiled, rowdy kids to keep alive–yes alive. As a parent, I now know that anxiety and worry can manifest themselves in anger and frustration. I can only imagine how he agonized over the care and keeping of us all. Dad’s generation wasn’t known for being in touch with their sensitive sides, thus his anxiety became anger and his worry became frustration. I’m sure it didn’t help that I obviously didn’t appreciated him, never thanked him for anything he did, or even said I loved him.

He also had a strong-willed, demanding wife. My mom was loving and generous to a fault with her kids, her siblings, and others, but she was extremely critical of my Dad and often demeaned him in front of others and undermined his authority with us kids. As a wife, I can only imagine what that would do to my self-esteem and confidence over time.

Despite all this, he remained faithful to God and to his wife. He gave all he had to his children, and worked hard. He only craved a little peace and quiet which he never got. Many people would lament a life like his, but he sees it as a “good” life despite the imperfections.

This week marks Dad’s 88th birthday. He suffers from mild dementia–struggling with the present–but reminiscing vividly on the past. I love to hear stories from his youth and our time in the Big House. (No, not prison, but the huge house we lived in for many years that Dad affectionately calls the Big House.)

He’s a man of simple pleasures; his recliner, coffee and a healthy supply of Snickers, visits with his kids, and a good corny joke…

“Did you hear Willy Nelson died?”….”Yeah, he was playin on the road again!”

Or

“Did you hear? They outlawed round hay bales?” …. “Cows just can’t get a square meal out of them!”

Since we lost Mom in 2014, Dad finally has his peace and quiet. It’s allowed me to really get to know him too. He’s a truly good man full of faith, humor, and resilience. He loved deeply, he worried frantically, and he cherished us all. I praise God for giving me this time with him.

I love you Dad!

 

 

 

Last But Never Least

/ Lip Balm & Lemonade / Leave a comment

My days since leaving work have been packed. How did I get everything done while working eight or more hours a day? I just didn’t, that’s how.

“So Jen, what have you been filling your time with?”  you ask.

Well, in addition to lots of business research, I’ve been working on several long neglected projects around the nest. Mostly though, giving my time and attention to those I love the most–specifically helping my daughter Julia and her husband Danny pack up and get ready for their move to the Windy City.

I have written quite a bit about my Vegans (a.k.a my son Jake and his family), and I have written about Olivia (my comedian). Julia has reminded me; however, that I have another child that I have yet to write about and she will not be left out.

Julia is my “baby girl,” And, while she may have been born last, she has never been least.

Even as a tiny girl, Julia was highly self-assured, intelligent, and unabashedly strong in her convictions–always oozing the most pronounced combination of both her parents strongest personality traits.

Like her dad, she has never pretended to like something or someone she doesn’t and is naturally good at just about everything she does. Like me, she has a preference for home, family, a few close friends, and sticking close to the nest–cooking, shopping, or swapping family gossip with me and her aunts– rather than going out or partying.

Since graduating from college, Julia has been diligently creating her own nest in Madison with Danny. This was perfect when I was spending two days a week there. We would see each other almost weekly, could easily grab a quick dinner, or hang out for a few hours after work to catch up.

Now the big city is calling her and Danny another two hours away, and I no longer have reason to work in Madison each week. So last week, we packed up the newlywed’s nest and put it in storage to wait for their new apartment to be ready.

How fun for a young couple to experiencing life in the city? What an exciting new adventure! Yet, I confess it makes my heart ache.

Julia has always been my faithful companion; eagerly tagging along on every shopping whim, sharing all types of culinary experiments, or simply watching chic flicks while painting our toenails.

I now have a little over a week to have her home all to myself.

Well…

I do have to share her with Danny and her Dad.

OK…

and, she has to work too. (I’m finding it really hard not to interrupt her office hours just to check in and see what she’s up to.)

Still, I’m glad to have even a little time with her.

Julia is amazingly responsible and resourceful. I have no doubt about her and Danny’s success on this next adventure.

As for me, I’ll take on the big city just so I can spend time with my baby girl.

 

 

 

The Not So Empty Nest

/ Lip Balm & Lemonade / 1 Comment

While raising three kids and working full time, personal space and quiet time were always in short supply. Constantly hectic and harried, I wished time away longing for the days when my time was my own and being jealous of those with an empty nest.

Then our youngest went off to college and I was completely lost!

What…? No one needs me? I can do what ever I want? When I want? What the heck do I want?

It took me six years to fully adjust to my long-desired freedom and the overwhelming quiet of an empty nest. Very slowly I began relishing the quiet, investing more time in my work, and exploring things I might enjoy. The “new” nest was finally starting to get pretty comfortable.

Then our son Jake and his family moved in….

Two more adults and two rambunctious boys have definitely upset the nest. All my newly appreciated space and quiet gone with the wind.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have to “take care” of the boys. But when I’m home, I’m the favored playmate, preferred snuggler, and constant confidant. My pancakes are superior to all others, my lap the comfiest, my stories the most fascinating, and mine and Grumpa’s bed the softest. Who am I to disagree?

With my nest once again full and my love tank overflowing, you’d think I’d have nothing to complain about.

But we humans are fickle creatures. I once again long for the space and quiet of the empty nest.

I get exasperated with the typical debris of life with kids; the continual carpet of toys covering the floor, crumbs on the table, and dishes overflowing the sink. These feelings are normal and expected for parents, but as a grandparent they fill me with intense guilt and self-reproach.

I already know how fleeting this time is. I’ve lived it with my own children.

Jake, Alex, Nolan, and Lincoln are only here until Jake finishes school. Once he’s done, they’ll move out and potentially move away. I’ve been given the rare gift of sharing each day with my grandchildren, not as their caretaker, but simply as a love and attention giver.

I do need a little space now and then, but I also need to make the most of this moment. That’s all this time with the kids is.

So no more wasting time dreaming about the empty nest. It will be empty again soon enough.

Is your nest empty or full? What do you love about where it is today?